if you are not sitting...

April 30, 2015

If you're not sitting, the Sensei said, you're wasting your life.

That, more than dying and death, the pupil feared most of all. Too easily he imagined himself old and dried up on a bed worn out and sad under a threadbare blanket looking back--as the light dimmed and the warmth faded--searching through all the spent years and finding nothing of more value than a broken promise, a forgotten dream.

So he sat. Legs crossed before him, perched on a cushion, on a mat, in a line with students likely motivated by nothing as petty as insecurity, as desperate as fear. He bowed when they bowed and chanted when they chanted, not knowing what any of it meant. Worrying he was doing it all wrong, while he did it all wrong.

A bell rang. The dojo descended into silence. And, before long, the pupil was drowning in the quiet. A slow panic rose as slight discomforts grew out of proportion and his thoughts ran wild. He tried to focus on his breathing, but he barely resisted jumping up and running out the door. Eventually, the bell rang again and zazen, an eternity -- 30 minutes long-- was over. The student swore to himself he would never go back, and swore to himself he would try again. Someday. If you're not sitting, you're wasting your life. In this case, I was the student and Savoca Sensei the teacher, but the story may sound familiar to at least some of you who meditate at the dojo. As it turned out, I never went back.

Then an opportunity presented itself, thanks to the generosity of Sensei Savoca and the hard work of all the students who have raised money for scholarships. In February I was able to attend Winter Camp at Juba Nour Sensei's Baja Aikido dojo. I didn't know what to expect, other than I would be expected to attend every class, including meditation. And it was the meditation I feared even more than the legendary Bulgarians I knew would also be there.

I was right to be afraid. In addition to the Zen, we practiced Misogi every morning. As the sun rose each day I shouted along with the other students until my voice was hoarse, sitting seiza until my feet numbed and my knees screamed. Each day I felt pushed to the very edge of my tolerance.

The Misogi never got easier. If anything, it got harder, but it was gratifying to know I could do it.

A strange thing happened, however, during zazen on the day before I left. I experienced the most fleeting of epiphanies, yet the realization has stayed with me. That morning I gave up on trying to control my mind; I did not fight it or try to push down the panic. Instead, I stopped worrying about it--not altogether, but enough to begin to understand the voice in my head, the babbling stream of consciousness-- it is not me. I don' t know who I am, if I'm not that relentless narrator who never seems to shut up, but I do know now I am more than that. The day before I left, for just a moment, I was able to ignore the noise in my mind.

I didn't find enlightenment that day, but it felt like I took a step toward something important.

If you're not sitting, you're wasting your life.

I'm not sure it is possible to waste a whole life. In all these years I've lived, there have been moments that counted for something. No matter what happens in the future, I know that trip to Baja was filled with them. For that, I can't thank Brooklyn Aikikai enough. I am sure I'll waste plenty more of the few precious days I have left, but I'll have my moments, too--moments that count--and not even I can take those away from me.

-L. Tijerina

it's all about you, but it's not all about you

December 2, 2014

I've always been uncomfortable with money, especially asking for it. I come from a hard-working immigrant family and there wasn't a lot of extra income when I was young. And asking other people for money? Forget it. Every time the band fundraiser came around, I would go to the two neighbors who I knew would buy a tin of cookies without fail. The prizes for the student who raised the most never motivated me. In this area of my life, I had no problem coming in last place.

So when I heard the word "fundraiser" at the dojo, I thought, "ok, I'll do my part, I'll buy a ticket, I'll help clean, and that's that." After coming back from summer camp last year, which was paid for by a dojo scholarship, Sensei pointed at me and said, "You. You'll be good at raising money. You're going to help with the fundraiser." I wanted to tell him, "No, no, I think you might have it wrong. See, I'm terrified of asking people for money. It makes my stomach churn." Instead, I replied, "Uh, ok, yes, sure."

To maintain distance between myself and the discomfort of asking for money, I focused on logistics. If you're keeping your head down and working, no one can really find fault with you, right? It's a good way to hide. But surprise! I chose to train in a martial art that's about the opposite of hiding. “Present yourself!” Post-fundraiser, during the follow up, I messed up and some things fell through the cracks. When we discussed it as a team with Sensei, I wanted to say, "It's not my fault. I really hate money. Also, I don't know what I'm doing, and no one told me what to do." Thinking about it later, I realized that I didn't just have an issue with money. I also hesitated in stepping up, taking responsibility, asking for help, or even being ok about making decisions. It was hard to say "Yes, the buck stops with me on this. So if it's messed up, it's me. And if you need to know what else needs to be done, that's me too."

I decided this year would be different. If I saw what needed to be done, then I would step up and do it or ensure it was done by providing guidance or a helping hand. I wasn't going to look around the room and wait and see who else would do it. Shockingly, I was also excited about raising the money. What changed? I'm not quite sure. Maybe it was just an accumulation of seminars, hours, injuries, and off-the-mat experiences, but it was clear to me that the dojo was central in me seeing myself differently, and in making better choices for myself. The fundraiser was no longer only about asking people for money. If I thought about the dojo like a well from which I drew water, then I wanted to help replenish that well for myself and for others. And how long was I going to keep hiding behind my fear of money? If I was serious about Aikido, then it was time to present myself to my fear and do it. I felt this shift in attitude palpably when I accompanied Sensei to Athens in September. My sempai, Andrés, hadn't arrived yet, and even though there was a former uchideshi there, I was the only student from Brooklyn. Stepping onto the mat straight from the airport in a surreal haze of jetlag and sleep deprivation, I thought, "Shit. It's me. There's no one else."

At the same time that the fundraiser pushed me to see that “it's ME, I'm IT,” I also saw that it wasn't all me. It wasn't about me keeping my head down and trying to do everything. First, that's impossible. Second, that's hiding and will mess things up. And third, it's unfair to the large, strong community of people who are pouring themselves into the dojo in so many ways. In lifting my head up to present myself, I also got to see all the beautiful things that others were doing. Festival quality films got made, posters were designed, donations were made from around the country and the world, spaces were organized, quiches were baked, prizes were donated. Everyone was presenting themselves, and it was humbling. I guess this is the weird paradox that Aikido points to: be focused, see the target, be present, present yourself, but also see everything, also step off the line, also absorb. It is all about you, but it's not all about you. -A. Shridhar

a memorial to my father

September 9, 2014

Dominic J. Savoca (on right), Paris, France, August 30th, 1944

A memorial to the recently deceased is a highly personal thing, and not something I would ordinarily post on the internet. But my father, who passed away last Tuesday, will always be inextricably linked to this dojo and therefore I feel it is appropriate to write of his life and of his passing in the context of this dojo forum. Brooklyn Aikikai would not exist without my father and I don’t mean that merely in the obvious way – in that he brought me into this world. It is much more than that.

For the many of you who have not met my father, he was born in 1924 in New Jersey, to parents who emigrated from Sicily. He grew up in the Depression and lost his own father at a young age, which impressed upon him the need to work hard early on. At age 18 he was drafted into the army for World War II. He fought in the 28th Infantry Division which was known as “The Bloody Bucket” and fought in the Battle of the Bulge—one of the fiercest battles in the European campaign. He considered himself lucky to have survived. After WWII he attended New York University and Columbia University, and thereafter was associated with Transamerica Life Insurance Company for 58 years.

It is an understatement to say Brooklyn Aikikai would have been different had I had a different father. I learned the necessity of discipline, hard work and persistence from my father, and also my mother. Although I could not understand the urgency with which my father educated me in the early years, I now feel blessed to have been the focus of such a drive. It took me many years to understand that he was truly from a different generation—the WWII generation—whereas my friends’ fathers were the “baby boomers.” This distinction alone had my sisters and me growing up in a different direction than our peers. This direction led directly to me being impressed with the traditional Japanese culture—one of hard work and trying to deeply penetrate one thing. Giving your all to a discipline, come what may. My father put me into Judo at age 12, and from there I found Aikido and have continued to stick with it to this day.

Who was my father, truly? A solider, a husband, a father, a businessman…and yet all of these fall short of how I would describe him. As one of my sisters recently said, he was a force. He didn’t believe in giving up, or falling short. He did his best through many impossible conditions and demanded we do the same in our lives.

One time, when he had to have the only surgery in his life (a quadruple bypass) I told him I loved him as the gurney was pushed into the surgery room. He looked at me directly and simply said, “Don’t waste your life.” I knew he meant to give all that I had to each moment, and I was amazed that he could say this at that time. Such was the man he was. He was also a deeply devout Catholic and his devotion inspired me. He had a tremendous faith – and I knew it had been tested. He told all of his children that faith was essential, and this is something I feel must truly be brought into our practice of Aikido. Most important for me, however, is that I saw that my father struggled with himself. It took me a long time to see this, and I often judged him harshly when younger. But I know that he searched himself, and tried to better himself however he could. Many people were inspired by him and knew him to be the gentleman he truly was. As I get older, I can see a bit more objectively who my father really was, and it astonishes me it took so long.

In closing, I would like to deeply thank my father for giving me all that he could. Our dojo is what it is due to his influence, my mother’s, and of course to all ancestors before them. Perhaps it takes the death of a parent to become truly grateful.

God bless you, Dad.

Robert Savoca Brooklyn, New York September 2, 2014